the best laid plans

A few days ago I was talking with a friend about deciding to have a C-section. (After much waffling, it just feels like the right choice for me. I scheduled for 8 am on March 4th.) My friend said, “Well that makes a lot of sense. You know the date and time. I bet that gives you a sense of control—something you lacked completely the first time around.”

My first instinct when she said this was to nod my head: “Yes, yes, that’s right. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

My second instinct was to back away, scared. Lord knows I like to be in control and have everything planned out. But I know things rarely go as planned, especially with childbirth, and I felt that by trying to control things, I may have jinxed myself.

Well, yesterday I when I was dropping Stella at preschool I began to have low back pain that wrapped around my left side. It continued for about an hour at work, then migrated up my back. Eventually, it went away, but I called my doctor. (Could this be what the beginning of labor feels like?) I went in and my cervix was still closed, but the doctor said I was measuring small for almost 37 weeks. One other doctor had said a similar thing a few weeks back, but my own doc hasn’t been concerned about this. In the last week, I have been a little concerned, though. I kept asking D, “Do you think I’m big enough?” And on Tuesday I saw a friend who is 39 weeks, and she was HUGE, her belly a solid beach ball.

I left the doctor’s office nervous, again. D and I sat on the couch last night, trying to distract ourselves with LOST, but it didn’t work. A small baby could mean my placenta isn’t functioning properly. What else could it mean? I really don’t know.

I’m going in this morning for an ultrasound, and I just hope this little bugger is okay. I’ll post later, when we know more. Keep your fingers crossed for me, for baby.